I want to write about this pain
But
It’s too raw in my heart
Tapering deep into the centre
Tearing off flesh intertwined in ligaments
I want to mourn us
To blow smoke in the wind and say a prayer for us
But
The words can’t help
Won’t help
All that I manage is parted lips, trembling
With cloudy eyes that know how to rain salty water
I want to address this pain lodged deep and comfortable inside of me
Quivering my bones and haunting my soul
Bleeding me bare with emotions
I want to poke it, to stab it, to bleed it dry and end it’s existence
But
How do you hold something that lacks a form?
How do you kill something that is fueled by your existence
The pain of him
I love you
The beginning of my end
Words falling out your mouth like dewdrops from the sky
Feelings erupting from within me like a dormant volcano coming to life
Me, loving you without a conscience
You, trying to take it all back.
Old words being swallowed
New ones being said, ‘uncertain’ being at the forefront.
I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you.
Oh, but you did
You left the way you came
Tentative steps and speculations
Trying to lessen the impact of your absence
This hollow silence leaves me thinking of a what if
And unkept promises
Of a heart handed over with shaky hands
And returned to sender
Loving you more than this is an impossibility
As is hurting as much as this
The delicacy of my pain congeals into a hard boiled anger
And I want to tell you in definite terms and harsh words
I wish we were an occurrence that never was
My blood boils, my fingers type
My screen reads
I miss you
Because I do.